What to do if someone you know is in an abusive relationship

The Victorian Government's ENOUGH Campaign acknowledges that "it can be very difficult for someone who is experiencing family violence to tell someone and seek help". The ENOUGH Campaign's website has a section on how you can support someone who is experiencing family violence. This section has a list of signs to look out for and how you can help:

Signs to look out for

Family violence is not always obvious. Some key signs to look out for include:

The person seems afraid of a family member.
The person has stopped seeing friends or family.
The person seems anxious or depressed, has lost confidence and is unusually quiet.
The person has physical injuries such as bruises, broken bones, sprains or cuts.
The person says that they are being pressured to do sexual things.
Their family member criticises or humiliates the person in front of other people.

(above from the ENOUGH Campaign website)

HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Listen, Believe, Support and Don't Blame

As part of its ‘Stop Violence in the Home’ program, the Body Shop has also published a booklet ‘Let’s Air it Out – Break the silence on relationship abuse’. The booklet contains a list of Do’s and Don’t's on how to support someone in an abusive relationship:

DO:

Approach them about the abuse in a sensitive way. For example, I’m worried about you because …

   Believe what they tell you. It will have taken a lot for them to talk to you and trust you.

   Take the abuse seriously. Abuse can be damaging both physically and emotionally, and is very destructive to someone’s self-confidence. Their partner could be placing them in real physical danger.

   Focus on their safety. Talk to them about their safety and how they could protect themselves.

   Help them to recognise the abuse and understand how it may be affecting them. Recognise and support their strength and courage.

   Help them to understand that the abuse is not their fault and that no one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do.

   Listen to them and help them think about their relationship, whether they want to break up or stay, and how they can protect themselves from any more abuse.

   Offer to help protect them but only if you are not putting your own safety at risk. For example, you could offer to be around when the abuser is there, or give them lifts home, take phone messages from the abuser.

   Encourage them to talk to a counsellor, or talk to a counsellor yourself about what you could do to support them.

   If you feel overwhelmed or frightened yourself, get help. Talk to someone, or ring a support service for support.

DON’T:

Don’t blame them for the abuse or ask judgemental questions like “what did you do to make them treat you like that? Or “why don’t you just break up with them?” Don’t focus on trying to work out the abuser’s reasons for the abuse. Concentrate on supporting them and on what they can do to protect themselves.

Try not to be impatient or critical, if they are confused about what to do, or if they say they still love their partner. It’s difficult for anyone to break up a relationship, and especially hard if they are being abused.

(Information from Let's Air it Out: Break the silence on relationship abuse, The Body Shop, Full Voice Issue 9)

For more information about how you can help someone who is experiencing family violence, visit the Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria website.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP-

Get the help you need

If it is an emergency in Australia call 000 for the police or for an ambulance.

Talking to someone can be helpful.

You can get support from an adult you trust and together you can work out the best way to improve your situation.
This could be a parent, another relative, a teacher, a school counsellor, a friend's parent.
It is best not to discuss your own situation in a school class setting; it is better to speak privately with the right person.

You can call Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 to speak with a counsellor.

There are excellent websites with good practical information

Bursting the Bubble is helpful if there is abuse within the family.
When Love Hurts is helpful is helpful if there is abuse in your relationship.
Kids Helpline is helpful for many types of abuse including cyber abuse and sexting.
The Australian government Child Support Agency has a guide for teenagers who are experiencing family separation.

(These ideas are adapted from Domestic Violence Resources Centre Victoria)